Slow down, go far! Mind the speed limits!

This essay is included in the November issue of my epistolary zine, EPISTOLARIA. Project subscribers receive the zine, which includes this essay, a limited edition print, book recommendations, and fragments of conversation, via post. Paid Substack subscribers get access to the digitized version below. Please consider upgrading your Substack subscription to read the essay below in full or join the zine mailing list to support my work! — Lian

I read somewhere that during periods of extended, heightened stress, we revert to old habits. Our bodies instinctively reach for the comfort of routine or vice — which may overlap, and often do — as a way of coping. Despite my conscious efforts at self-awareness, old habits crawl up to me at points of weakness, which is how, these last two weeks, I found myself in a stress loop of my own making.

Work is how I happen to cope with stress. While I’ve made up my mind about seriously trying to center my writing practice and creative life, my pragmatism won’t easily relent. Stressed about my future like everyone else in their twenties, I succumbed to old ways and did what I do best: throw myself into work. I let my energy crackle unrestrained through a demanding schedule for myself every day that included hours of studying for a digital marketing certification, binding and reading books, practicing my French, writing essays and poems that may never make it beyond my drafts folder. Yes, I chose to give myself this time to live on my own terms, but some days the pressure to return to the safety of well-trod paths can feel crushing. Predictably, this conflict — which I know many in similar circumstances struggle with too — has taken its toll.

The signs were there.